Romantic relationships are such a focus in our lives. From who likes who, to the newly single person in our circles, to the current hiccups with our lover. Most questions I get asked from family and friends has to do with relationships. How do I know that this is the right person for me? When do I stick things or know when it is time for me to move on?

Although the characteristics we each are looking for in relationships vary and we all have our deal breakers; there are some ways to help us predict the success of our relationships. Dr. John Gottman conducted years of research to find out how to predict the success of a couple based on their interactions. Gotten focuses on the couple’s interaction when there is conflict and is very accurately (over 80%) able to predict if the couple will remain together based on this observation. Gottman identified a 5 to 1 ratio of negative versus positive emotions during conflict that is necessary for the couple to preserve connection. 5 positive experiences to every 1 negative experience. Stating that if we can connect to our partners positively during conflict versus negatively we will have a better outcome in our relationships.

The 4 Horsemen of The Apocalypse

Dr. Gottman‘s four horseman shows us that it’s not the amount a couple fights that predicts their ending, it’s how they manage conflicts. These 4 Horsemen are the toxic interactions with your partner that will increase the likelihood of the relationship ending.

1. Criticism: Verbal attacks of their other person or their Character

You never_______. You always______.

2. Contempt: More destructive criticism that attacks the other with intent to insult

Why are you so stupid? ::eye-rolling:: Jack ass!

3. Defensiveness: attempt to protect self from perceived/real attack and shift blame from self to the other

That's not a big deal, look at all the times you have ignored me

4. Stonewalling: avoiding conflict with distance, refusal to speak, or separating

silent treatment or withdrawing

It is the positive and negative emotional balance we invoke in our partners that predicts the end of our relationships. Gottman urges us to look at how we respond to conflict and negative emotions within our relationships. Often if our partner engaged in one of the 4 horsemen behaviors, it is easy (almost habit) to respond with similar behaviors. We have to first recognize when we are engaging in these behaviors to stop this negative cycle of provoking and responding with these responses.

We need more positive emotions and experiences with our partners to feel appreciated, connected, heard, and understood. We are more likely to need more positive emotions and to feel appreciated and connected heard and understood.

What is also important to know is that many of us did not learn skills to be in a healthy relationship. If these 4 horsemen are present in your relationship, you can work on these. The presence of these does not mean your relationship is not worth working on, it just notifies you that of some areas to improve your relationship and increase the likelihood of its success.

What is your go-to role in conflict? What will you do differently during your next conflict?

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash