In our pursuit for the perfect companion we are often looking for a relationship that is easy, fun and has little to no conflict. The issue? We are all difficult people. Many people turn to blame or projections instead of identifying and healing their relational wounds. They then carry these wounds into their next relationship, and then into the next without ever changing their unhealthy patterns. Do you avoid looking at these patterns or resist remaining present in your relationships?
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The Power of words
As my daughters have both entered school, I have notice a huge increase in the “It's not fair" justification. They use this to point out any difference they notice between themselves and anyone else, when asking for something, to express a need, to express dissatisfaction, or to blame someone/something else instead of taking responsibility for their behaviors. When I noticed this increase of "fair" assessing, it became clear that this “it's not fair" phrase is also often used in the adult world as well.
I begin to notice more and more this phrase being used and tried to figure out why we assess the world on a "fairness" scale. The underlining attitude or thinking error behind the use of this phrase is the "I deserve" mentality. Yes -this is self-esteem. However, when this phrase is used to not highlight the importance of a person, it becomes a thinking error. The "It not Fair" points out the lack a person is feeling.
What became more evident, and appalling, is that this phrase is also placing someone's value directly outside themselves. Their value and worth is compared to another based on material goods or being treated a certain way versus self value and worth coming from within. When my worth comes from within, I don't internalize or identify with the lack or difference I see in the outside world. My value is separate from that experience. Most of us experience privilege in some manner and may notice the lack in others. Our experience of the world may not be EVEN but....it is fair. It is fair because we are only in control of ourselves and our value and worth is all the same. Life is not EVEN in many many ways. When we use the word EVEN versus FAIR, we stop assessing our own value though the exterior, and begin to own who we are. Our value is not based on the lack we see externally, it comes from the whole we feel internally.
I encourage you to become more intentional with your words, noticing the power the hold on how you view yourself. In what ways do you place your value and worth outside of yourself?
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Our words are powerful. So powerful that what we say out loud and to ourselves often becomes are largest road blocks. This video discussing how to get out of your own way. Are you aware of your internal and external dialog? How often do you use the word “fine?”
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When I begin my career as a therapist, I would admire those who were able to implement self-care on a regular basis. I often would think to myself that I would know that I was successful in my career once I was able to afford regular trips to the nail salon or monthly massages. It took me several years, and being close to burnt out a few times, for me to realize that self-care was more about my attitude towards myself and not an call to a spa. I also learned that self-care was not an award that I needed to earn, but an essential part of living.
Like everything else, self-care takes practice. This new habit takes time and conscious effort to implement. We won’t just stumble into a good self-care routine, we need to be deliberate. Self-care starts with knowing where you are and what your needs are. I usually start with the area that most needs attention or feels the largest amount of ick. This is the area that may be easy to avoid but will have to greatest impact.
When we are making any changes it is important to explore our roadblocks. I found that my largest roadblock to self-care was my attitude. I often think that I don’t deserve the time, think I haven't earned it, or think that a particular task or person deserves more attention. Any of these thoughts or attitudes are not going to foster positivity or motivation and my self care will remain a goal that I will never reach. If I continue to allow my inner critic to diminish my worth, I won’t have the energy to give love to the world, and I will miss the opportunity to show love to myself.
You don’t have to be in a “helping profession” to deserve or need self care. This shift in attitude is how we show love to ourselves. How do we determine who warrants compassion and kindness? We are all deserving. Love is not something that we earn. Instead of affirmations, I write down the ways I have shown myself compassion and kindness. What is one way that you can show yourself much deserved compassion and kindness today?
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"You are a human being and that is enough to warrant compassion and kindness.” Often we talk about change more than we take action. Having a plan or a set goal will helps us to accomplish what is easily verbalized. Self care is showing ourselves compassion and kindness. Do you have a plan? Do you notice when you can use a little self care?
Our ability to grow our romantic competence is based on our skills to have a healthy relationship with others-Insight, mutuality and emotional regulation are the essentials. Insight to our needs, habits, and motivations (as well as our partner's) helps us to authentically connect to others and have appropriate emotional boundaries. Mutuality give each person an equal space and value in a relationship. It is how both respect self and another. Emotional regulation are the skills developed to be able to handle stressful situations in a healthily way and not rely on outside people (or things) to determine your value.
What are some of the skills that you have not yet developed or areas you have some work to do? If you desire a healthy realtionship, you also have to show up with your own competence.
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Relationship expert, Stan Tatkin discusses the reason behind why our relationships go from honeymoon to hard and why it is hard for use to remain present as relationships develop. Our relational wounds do take over our behavior and color the lens on how view of each other. Are your automatic responses to blame? When conflict happens do you make eye contact with your partner?
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The Gottmans have nailed down 4 elements in a relating to our partners that predict the outcome of our relationships. They call these the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Many of us are guilty of these behaviors and ways of relating to others. Changing patterns can be challenging but these changes are essential in order to have lasting and healthy connections with our partners.
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Pressure to find "the one" is all around us, especially if you've been single for a while. This idea of "the one" is false. It is not realistic for us to expect for one person to fulfill all of our needs. This sets up our partners to fail and our relationships to end. When our partners and relationships fall short we are triggered by our own relationship wounds and attachment patterns. It is time that we adjust the roles we expect our partner to fulfill and look internally first. We will be able to create more healthy a solid connections with others if we first have this type of connection with self. When our relational wounds are healed that we aren't holding our partners to unrealistic expectations. What expectations do you hold your partner to? Are you waiting to be rescued? from what? What is your reaction when others disappoint you?
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Relationship wounds greatly impact how we view self and how we relate to others. These wounds can be large and easily recognizable or more subtle and much harder to see. Wounds that are harder to see can create large roadblocks in our ability to connect with others and may prevent us from creating the relationships that we desire.
I have noticed a large number of my friends projecting in their romantic relationships, with colleagues at work, and even with their children. Projecting is one of the subtle relationship wounds that are harder to see, as they reinforce our lack of awareness and have a huge negative impact on our connections with others.
What is projecting?
Meline Klein describes projective identification as a defense mechanism in which an individual attributes unacceptable (denied) parts of self onto another person. Projection can range from a single emotion to attributing an entire role to another individual. A common example is an individual stating that another is angry, assuming this is true and acting as if this is factual.
We do this as a defense mechanism, in order to shift focus from us and blame something else on the outside world. When we shift the focus we actually split our identity by denying self on an unconscious level. When we are in a grouchy mood, isn't it fairly easy to focus on the shortcomings of others? On an unconscious level, if we highlight what is happening with others, then we distract the focus from our ego and believe that doing this will help us feel better. “If you would stop doing _____I would not be so grouchy.” Projecting is a defense mechanism to avoid our own shame.
How do you recognize it?
Recognizing when we are projecting is extremely difficult because we do not want to identify with what we are projecting. This is our way of getting rid of unwanted experiences or emotions. Possible signs you are projection:
Assuming another’s feelings. “If I was him I would feel _____.” “They must be ______.”
Being intensely focused or dwelling on someone’s behavior or motives.
Being overly critical or shaming another
Feeling superior to another
Envy or Jealousy
Being defensive
How it does it impact our relationships?
I was driving with a friend and she wanted some advice on how to handle her boyfriend, who was avoiding social interactions with her friends. For 10 minutes, she proceeded to identify all the ways that she thought he must be feeling, and how she needed to act differently to help him not feel that way. She continued on, revealing his relational history, how she would feel if she were him, and how he must feel when facing these obstacles. Not only was she projecting her emotions, but she was placing him in a role in their relationship.
When we project onto others we are disconnected from the relationship, and in some ways we take away the voice/experience of the other. If my friend did not share this conflict with her boyfriend and was not aware of her projecting behaviors, there would be no way that her boyfriend would be able to convince her otherwise. This comes from our tendency to not check in or seek feedback from another when we are projecting. Although my friend had good intentions of helping her boyfriend, she was denying her own insecurities and placing them on him. Denial would have a large impact on their interactions and the stability of their relationship due to the judgement of him that her projection caused.
How much are we able to value others and see them for who they are if we are projecting? When we are projecting we are not able to see past our own nose or accept other possibilities than what we are experiencing as fact. This is true whether we are dealing with romantic partners, children, or in our professional world.
What can you do about it?
A good place to start is to examine your negative or difficult relationships. Is there a pattern to them? Is there a common feeling or judgement you have in these connections? Do you check in with others or just assume how they are feeling and experiencing things?Identifying the other ways that YOU get defensive can give you clues about what the types of behaviors or feelings that you are projecting onto others. After you identify these feelings, comes the hard part: accepting them within yourself. Exploring the “unacceptable” parts of self and gaining awareness of our fear-based emotions and self-shaming patterns will help you become aligned and accepting of self. Our negative self-talk has a tremendous impact on how we view the world and how we show up in it.
Sources: Counseling and Therapy of Couples, 2nd edition by L. Long & M. Young.
